Editor’s note: the following are reprinted from the ELCA Youth
Ministries-Gathering Playbook 2000. Use them as a resource/guide if having difficult
discussions in your group. Recommended for use with Faith Lens, the weekly Internet Bible
study.
Risking Difficult
Discussions
Let's say you’re on the verge of a
difficult conversation–a conversation you’d rather not have. Try these on for
size:
Your group is in the middle of a
discussion that turns controversial. Sides are drawn. Perhaps the topic is abortion, gay
ordination or gun control. You’re the leader—a peaceful, easy-going
leader—and the anxiety level in the room is gradually going up.
- A member of your
group—perhaps even one of the adult advisors—is engaging in some at-risk
behavior. Others in the group are talking about the behavior, and it’s obvious that
people will need to level with one another for the group to maintain and strengthen its
healthy relationships.
Do you let the first conversation continue? Do you
have the honest conversation that’s necessary in the second scenario? You know you
should, but how? Are there techniques? Necessary conditions? Do you need training? And how
do you have these conversations in such a way that they are grounded in your faith?
Frankly, to do this kind of conversation well, you do
need four components:
- Certain attitudes and beliefs
- A couple of skills
- Several behaviors
- Just enough knowledge base to encourage healthy
conversation.
Let's look at these four components as they show up
in persons and groups who have healthy, faith-based conversation about the tough stuff and
see what we can learn.
Attitudes and beliefs
- First, your hope is not so much in your persuasive
skills or your ability to make friends as it is in God's promises and God's love for you.
Your belief in a trustworthy God helps you to look at tough issues as challenges that the
Holy Spirit might use to bring you to new understandings.
- Second, you believe that differences are good, not
bad. You enjoy having people around you who are not simply copies of yourself. You find
that when you disagree with others honestly and faithfully, you learn more and you
discover newness and surprise.
- Third, you have a preference for action. That is,
almost no matter what the circumstance, you would rather be moving than standing still.
You'd rather forge ahead than hide. This gives you an advantage in a tough discussion
because you won't run away to avoid disagreement, but rather, come together deliberately
to confront an issue.
Skills
- First, you are good at adapting and inventing ways of
interacting with people. You may enjoy word games or interactive play that allows people
to share their ideas in low-risk ways. You may even play around with rules or rituals that
allow everyone to participate in safe ways. You may even invent seating arrangements or
room decor that make people feel at home and willing to speak freely. Your innovations
allow people to speak about their faith, even in places and times when faith might
otherwise be laughed at.
- Second, you know how to open up your Christian
imagination and use it to encourage great conversation, even on tough issues. What is
Christian imagination? It is the part of us that understands the life of faith, the part
of us that the Holy Spirit sparks when we imagine Jesus' love or imagine something we
might do to make a difference for someone else. It is the place at which God visits us and
inspires us. People who have great conversations over even the tough stuff know how to
open their Christian imagination in the face of a challenging decision.
Behaviors
- First, you live and breathe hospitality. This means
that you consistently provide everything folks need to feel at home and safe. This everything
might include nametags, handouts, comfortable chairs, friendly reminders to people who
are getting out of line, snacks, potty breaks or even time to think. You act as Abraham
did to the stranger who arrived at his tents for lunch.
- Second, you are a living listener. Your body language,
your vocal tone, your facial expressions all say, "Your ideas are important to me.
Tell me what you’re thinking or how you're feeling." You know how to put others
at ease. You look directly at the one who's speaking, and you honor whatever is said. You
spend time thinking about what has been said rather than launching into your own response.
You do and say everything you can to create a space for others to be heard.
In that way, you encourage everyone in the conversation to be honest
and to say even the unpopular thing. This open behavior reminds others of the way Christ
welcomed children and showed compassion to the ailing. When we behave in these ways, we
are acting out our faith. You are the kind of listener who doesn't just manage conflict.
You encourage honest disagreement so that new thinking can be heard and tested and used to
make the best decisions.
Just enough knowledge base
- First, to be really good at putting the
"faith" in faith-based conversation over tough issues, it helps to know the
tradition of the faith community that is having the conversation. That means you need a
knowledge of the history of that place and the group that's trying to have the
conversation, but it also means knowing what Christians through the ages have said and
done about such matters.
- Second, you are helped by a working knowledge of the
Bible, especially Bible stories that form the Christian imagination of those taking part
in the conversation. Thinking of how persons in the Bible reacted to the situations that
they faced can help you open up faith-based conversation about the situations you face. We
know that God was up to something in the lives of Bible people. When we talk together
about our tough stuff, we, too, can ask what God is up to in the issue for us.
Group Rules for Risky Conversations
Trust that God is the primary agent in
the life of your group. The Holy Spirit is present and active in the conversation. Assume
that those with whom you’re conversing are just as committed to Christ as you are.
Although you may find their conclusions and arguments to be wrong, presume their efforts
to be conscientious and faithful.
Listen with respect. That means not
rolling your eyes and sharing a "knowing glance" with a like-minded friend. Such
non-verbal exchanges can be hurtful and silencing. Actively listen to or interview the
person speaking. State in summary fashion what you have heard them say before responding
to or challenging them. Speak in the first person: "I heard you say…I think I
understand, but could you clarify…I’m feeling…"
Be patient and wait your turn to
speak. Do not interrupt. Be inclusive of everyone in the audience. Invite input, but do
not require everyone to say something.
Avoid personal attacks. Don’t
make character judgments or attack the personal motives or traits of those with whom
you’re talking. Avoid name calling.
Avoid characterizing your own position
as "indisputable" or "obviously" true, reducing the other’s
stance to a ridiculous "slogan."
Many moral issues are emotionally
charged. Listen and respond with care to their emotions, as well as their ideas.
Try to reach an agreement about what
constitutes the "heart of the matter" as soon as possible. Cut to the chase.
State what you believe is common
ground, or what you can affirm in the position you just heard before entering an area of
disagreement.
Argue for what YOU want, not just
against what the other person is saying. Present alternatives to their options.
Avoid appeals to raw authority or
isolated, rare experiences when giving your reasons.
Speak truthfully. Report ideas of
everyone with accuracy and respect. If necessary, request or offer one another the promise
of confidentiality. Be courageous—it is often difficult to speak up and maintain a
position in the midst of other competing and conflicting positions.
Be careful not to let dissension
destroy love. Hate destroys the body of Christ. Bring to your conversations passion, not
hate.
(Adapted with permission from Patricia
Beattie Jung, Associate Professor of Theology, Loyola University, Chicago, Illinois)
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